Once that ebbs a little, I predict things are going to get problematic. GatorGirl A day at the lake or beach or some body of water? Why My Husband Thinks Taking Care of the Baby is Easy: 3 Reasons. She kept trying to change it and regularly fights with him about it. This is something about him that will likely never change. Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? While there is nothing wrong with being close with your family, it becomes a problem when you prioritize your family of origin over your significant other. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? lets_be_honest From that, I can either follow blindly and accept whatever consequences arise form our different spending styles, or, if it is a deal breaker for me, I move. Either way, needs to be talked about, but not insurmountable. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. For example, my SO knows I would love to adopt one day. To move in before youve even had time to vet the relationship is, in my opinion, risky. It is starting to really upset me he wants me to move the 30 min ride closer to his family for what ? They go to see one of their families every weekend or see both some weekends, and its something they both agree on. One thing is for sure, he comes home to you at the end of the weekend, even more tired than he left. And obviously, Im also someone who is really close with family. January 20, 2012, 9:27 am. . Yeah, I dont see the dysfunction either. Share that with your boyfriend as well. Do you ever say hey, I dont want to go, so Im going to stay home this time around, or do you keep your mouth shut with a smile firmly planted on it, rictus and all? Clearly the guy likes to spend time with his family, and might have different views on social life than you. I am pretty sure that is not what you meant by your letter, but as we all know, when we are discussing something with significant others, things can sound more severe than they are. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Thats what next times are for! And I dont think it is so wrong to assume that things will not change drastically once you move in together. June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. If its something that you just cant some to terms with, than it may just be an incompatibility that you two cant overcome. While he enjoys his sweet nostalgia and thinks abouthow good things used to be, you sit at home and wonder if you can handle such issues with such an immature husband. However, I think the Agreed. Youve lived together for three weeks. Honestly, if she came back here and said she suggests things to do, or frames her conversations with boyfriend differently, I would have a different response. I think a lot of people on here are offering her good suggestions to try and help her with her boyfriend and to get him to spend less time with his family and more time hanging out with her. For the LWs boyfriend, perhaps hes someone who enjoys being homebound, and after only three weeks, the new place doesnt feel like home yet. muchachaenlaventana What way would you not want it to be? Bklyn Grl Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Whether you need help around the house, want to go on a romantic weekend getaway together, or just want to cuddle while watching movies, youre entitled to it. Or pick berries. He usually wants to go to his parents house every single weekend he gets to come home. GatorGirl it was a constant struggle for almost 5 years because when Id drive to see him, wed get alone time, but of course i had to drive there. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. I think a lot of it also has to do with the fact that his job takes him away from both his parents and his girlfriend every week. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. , silver_dragon_girl January 20, 2012, 10:57 am. January 20, 2012, 10:09 am. 1. Laura Hope ?? Did you guys actually read this letter? The fact is that this relationship is still very new, and even though it has only been two or three weeks of her spending time with his family, if she doesnt want it to continue that way then she needs to put a stop to it as soon as possible. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. If the moms just dropping by it cant be *that* far away. I think like Wendy said its perfectly fine to let him know you would prefer to have time in your own house on the weekends. I would probably always choose vegging at my parents house over mine, or even my boyfriends. ForeverYoung If so thats just about the worst reason in existence for moving in with a boyfriend. I was saying you would know/discuss important things because you are in a relationship, without a business meeting atmosphere. I married an apron-strings boy like that. Yeah.. You mention what you used to do when your were single. But since shes there all the time, he might feel like hes catching up with his family. I can use a personal example as well. If theyve only been living together 3 weeks how is spending every weekend at his parents excessive? Play frisbee in the park! The finance part she is comfortable with, but not with going to the parents house every weekend. husband goes to his parents every weekend. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. I do think that the way the boyfriend and his parents are trying to make the LW feel guilty for wanting to spend time away from the boyfriends parents is a red flag. and yea, pretty much every single sunday. . On one side you get the parents who reinforce their power and superior knowledge over and over again by holding their adult children in the nest, on the other side you get an individual who rather depend on the parents because by the time they are adults its just much easier and normal for them to continue letting mommy and daddy do all the hard thinking for them. No, spending 1 or 2 weekends with the parents or your boyfriends isnt that many, but it is, if you dont get to see your boyfriend at all in between these times. There is a very natural way to spark further conversation on this topic and perhaps get beyond the impasse. But, if I were you, I wouldnt go every time. Or maybe its the first major difference in opinion in a long line of future differences. Tax Geek Unfortunately, men dont seem to pick up that way. Francine Pretty much. The last few years, he's wanted to go to holidays with his family, it's important to him, and I've wanted to spend my January 20, 2012, 7:40 pm. WebHis wife is his family now and she should be his first priority. He has no problem with his family coming to your place unannounced whenever they want and staying as long as they wish. lets_be_honest Did he see them a lot over the holidays or not see them much at all? GatorGirl SpaceySteph when it comes up we just talk about it. You and your husband wanting to live in different placesis probably a usual cause of arguments in your marriage. ReginaRey WebGoing every weekend with a 6 hour drive is a lot, but if he feels like thats what he wants to do then he should. Unless, of course, there are some urgent circumstances. TaraMonster I used to joke with Bassanio that Jews and Catholics had a lot in common: the parental guilt. If he lived in town permanently and this was happening every night, I think its a different story but we are talking sporadic weekends over a 2 season period. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. June 18, 2014, 12:45 pm. I am afraid for humanity. everyone just has a different approach to their relationship. That in itself is not dysfunctional, but putting a guilt trip on somebody because they would rather do something else is. Sorry, but its not men its your man and OPs man. In a typical family dynamic there are common roles assumed by different individuals. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. In the end, you owe it to yourself to be cognizant of that. Help him understand that while you do like his family (and its great that you like his family thats not always the case! Often in relationships, we wonder if we are overthinking things and imagining a problem where there isnt one. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. ReginaRey They clearly have poor communication if she states her feelings and he minimizes and ignores them. Better you learn where things stand now than later down the road if/when he proposes or you get married. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. allathian Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. If you dont like this? Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. Sometimes I think that theres something that happens around the 3-6 month mark in most relationships. Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. No he actually does not spent 80% of time at his parents. Well I think that happens pretty often.. A couple starts dating, and the things are going well enough, and nobody wants to rock the boat by having the concrete conversation and saying, By the way, I want to let you know that this works for me, and I want to make sure that nothing ever changes. In many cultures that is the norm. And actually what I am promoting is having a casual conversation about things that are important to you to find out where both of you stand. June 18, 2014, 11:03 am. It would be a lot of some, but we like it. Its a worldwide treasure hunt. and cant get out much, so Drew has dinner with him every week. Maybe he is making up time for that. January 4, 2021, 3:35 am. That it wouldnt be that big of a deal if the LW and the bf went out a couple of times to visit his parents together and if he went out a time or two on his own. . When you find that you and your partner spend most of your time together sitting on the couch watching TV or scrolling on your phone, a conversation most likely Other things (chores etc) can be discussed as you go along. Yeah, although all for non-pandemic times. But he also has to understand thathis number one family is you when he gets married. Some people are just family people, and want to spend a TON of time with their parents/siblings/etc. I try to suggest fun things to do but its as if he doesnt feel like doing them. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. I think you guys need to slow this relationship down quite a bit, you guys are going full speed ahead, when you should really just be enjoying the very begining of your relationship together. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Well, nobody lives forever, and guess what happens when were all in our 40s-50s? That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest Which is totally fine for you. Your husband sees you every day of the week It is possible that from your husbands This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. I really would like to know if this LW is asking to actually do something with her boyfriend and hes flat out refusing. Firstly, it will be different for every couple, and secondly, some things you will never find out no matter how long you are dating until you move in together and go to sleep and wake up with each other every single day.. I am actually not promoting anything. And I think this is the case here. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Is this normal? January 20, 2012, 8:21 am. That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Although given the choice between vegging out at my house or my parents house, Ill choose mine every time. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. , And BGM made the point also that except for what seems like an obvious dealbreaker to most people, they have a wonderful, amazing, great relationship. Before the pandemic we used to visit every few weeks and celebrate holidays together. I think I need more info. bittergaymark Tell him that you feel neglected and that it hurts that you never spend weekends together. Like I said before, I get along great with them and dont mind visiting them, but I also need privacy and a chance for my boyfriend and me to have a separate life from them. June 18, 2014, 11:41 am. It is what they like to do. January 20, 2012, 12:44 pm. June 18, 2014, 10:44 am. Growing up, we went over to our grandparents almost every Sunday. The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. Family events go from holidays, birthdays and anniversaries. You really do have to take strong measures to get through to them. You two have moved pretty fast (relatively speaking), and you two CAN actually spend time (read: weekends) apart. If the situation is even more complicated, for example, if his parents are old or his siblings have problems, your husband will feel even more guilty for leaving them. Plus his parents never made him feel like thats what he had to be doing. As my Irish/Italian grandmother used to say Begin as you mean to go on., rangerchic Will.i.am Its not weird to them. But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. But if its just sit on the couch at our place or theirsthats no big to me? Yeah I think its just generally not a good idea to more or less automatically join every activity the boyfriend wants to do instead of functioning independently to some degree. Cue unintelligble grumbling. All Im saying is, neither ways are wrong. They just enjoy your and your boyfriends company and would be happy, it sounds like, if you never left. I hate to say it, but I dont think your boyfriend or his parents (especially his parents) are going to change. If after that he continues to do the same thing, that tells me that maybe our spending habits may not mesh. GatorGirl We dont know for sure whether or not bf goes to his parents as his first choice of weekend activities or if he is a bit wimpy in dealing with his parents and cant say no to the invitation couched in terms of well, you said you didnt have anything planned. ReginaRey So, she will either have to accept that this is how they are, or leave. 03/07/2022 08:00. January 20, 2012, 11:41 am. If you have something like, oh, I dont know, a skydiving excursion planned on, say, a Saturday afternoon that hes home, and maybe a float trip on Sunday morning before he leaves, that leaves just a small amount of time for him to see his parents enough for a short visit, but not so much that youre spending 80% of the weekend with them. John Rohan Besides, the whole point of living in NYC is so you dont have to rely on Metro North to get int to the city on the weekends amirite!? Sources: Ive studied psychology and dysfunctional family dynamics for years. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. One thing that stood out was the mention of the division of expenses, LW even though you put it almost just as an aside, I think its something you really should discuss with your BF. I talk to my boyfriend about this, but he doesnt think either he or his parents encourage this kind of behavior or that the behavior is even weird. I dont know how to handle a situation that hasnt happened yet. To me it would be so weird if I came home and was a short drive from my parents, but just sat around my own house vs going there and socializing and seeing my family. Am I being unreasonable for not wanting to go to his parents house every weekend? If your husband does not agree to any compromise, there is probably another reason why he always wants to spend his vacation with his parents. GatorGirl By the same token, I DO need to get out as well; just staying in every weekend gets old pretty fast. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. Hes probably simply not used to her stating her own desires and needs if she always goes along with him. Communication people. . January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. I have friends who are engaged and live together. i tried to be supportive when they broke up but i wanted to throw a party. The little things like who is taking the garbage out? Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. January 20, 2012, 12:27 pm. Haha. Ive dealt with this type. silver_dragon_girl Same goes for his family out in Queens. A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. January 20, 2012, 8:49 am. January 20, 2012, 11:16 am. My husband and I are very much like you all except reversed. This is especially important ifhis parents dont respect boundaries. Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Bagge72 leilani Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. January 20, 2012, 9:28 am. Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. So the next time he says Im going to my parents house, just answer Have fun. January 4, 2021, 3:15 am. January 20, 2012, 8:52 pm. Sometimes Bassanio feels kind of bad when his parents do this, but I just point out that they dont mean that hes the worst son if he doesnt do something and that its ok to say no. At the end of the day though like Wendy said, the situation itself isnt going to change, so either find ways to deal with it, or leave. You say you cant get your boyfriend to understand that you dont want to spend every weekend with his parents. Hed schedule one weekend a year when his best friends came to his town to party. You dont have a problem with that, but does it have to be every weekend? Maybe thats what really got me thinking. However, you could opt to take time off longer than a weekend to spend time with him. If you care about your husband, you should not try to distance him from his parents. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. 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